The Self-Love Practice That Changed Everything: A 12-Step Guide to Dating Yourself

How a single evening taught me what real love looks like, and helped me recognize it when it finally arrived

The Day I Left

Six years ago this past October, I made the biggest and scariest decision of my life.

I left.

I left a six-year relationship that had slowly, methodically reduced me to a shell-like version of myself.

I left the country I had moved to, the life I had built, the career I had worked for.

A few months later, I packed up everything I could carry and moved back home to Vancouver with no plan except one: to figure out who I was and rebuild myself.

It was the height of the pandemic. The world was locked down, and so was I.

I felt trapped, not just by COVID restrictions, but by the prison I'd been living in for six years without fully realizing it.

I needed help.

Fortunately, I was connected with a wonderful counsellor, and I began weekly therapy sessions that became my lifeline.

The Rock in My Throat

Through therapy, I came to understand something that terrified me: over six years of being pushed down in an uneven power dynamic, I had lost my voice.

Not metaphorically.

Not figuratively.

Literally.

My body had learned to protect itself by shutting down.

Anytime I was confronted with a topic that made me feel insecure or uncertain, a rock-sized lump would form in my throat, making it physically challenging to speak.

My chest would tighten. My breathing would shallow. Sometimes, just the thought of having to speak my truth would send me spiralling into a full-blown panic attack.

My therapist would gently remind me, session after session: "You're safe now, Sarah. You're in control. You can choose the love you want."

Then he’d pause and add the part I didn't understand: "But first, you need to model it for yourself."

Model it for myself? What did that even mean?

Diving Into the Unknown

I did what any science nerd would do when faced with a question I couldn't answer: I researched.

Obsessively.

I read everything I could get my hands on. Books on self-compassion, confidence, shadow work, sexuality, desire, communication, trauma healing, spirituality, you name it, it was on my nightstand.

But reading wasn't enough.

I needed to practice.

So I tried it all:

• Journaling every morning, even when I didn't know what to say

• Having courageous conversations, even when my voice shook

• Making eye contact with strangers on my walks, relearning how to be seen

• Asking for what I actually wanted instead of what I thought I should want

• Sitting with discomfort instead of running from it

Some practices helped.

Some didn't.

But there was ONE practice that didn't just help, it transformed me.

It pushed me from girl to woman.

From cautious to bold.

From accepting crumbs to knowing exactly what I deserve.

Want to know what it is?

The Practice That Changed Everything

I could never gatekeep this practice, especially not as we stride into the month of love.

This practice comes from the book Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer.

When I first read about it, I thought it sounded excessive, yet something about it called to me.

So one Saturday evening, I decided to give it a shot.

What happened that night changed my life.

The 12-Step Self-Date Night

You cannot skip a beat on this. Every step matters. Every detail counts. This isn't self-care, this is self-reverence.

Step 1: Choose Your Day

Pick a non-negotiable day of your month. Mark it in your calendar in pen. This ENTIRE day, or at minimum, the entire evening, will be spent for you and you alone.

No compromises.

No "maybe I'll reschedule if something comes up."

This is sacred.

Step 2: Set the Stage

Clean your home like royalty is coming for dinner.

Not a quick tidy, I mean clean.

Fresh sheets.

Surfaces cleared and dusted.

Set out flowers (buy them for yourself; don't wait for someone else to do it).

Light a candle.

Put on music that makes you feel alive.

Set the mood for the queen you are.

Step 3: Shop Like You're Worth It

Go to the market, not just your regular grocery store.

Visit the farmer's market, the specialty grocer, the place with the fresh pasta and imported olive oil.

Get the freshest, most beautiful ingredients to make a meal suitable for royalty.

We're talking first course, second course, third course.

Not a cook? Book a table for one at the restaurant you've been dying to try.

Yes, a table for one.

Own it.

Step 4: Don't Cheap Out on the Wine

Get an expensive bottle of wine if you drink.

Or the fancy sparkling water you usually skip because "it's too much."

The guest coming to dinner is royalty, and you don't serve royalty the cheap stuff.

You deserve the good bottle.

Step 5: The Most Luxurious Bathing Experience

Take the most decadent shower or bath you can imagine. Light candles.

Put on your favourite playlist.

Shave your legs slowly, intentionally.

Use the fancy soap you've been saving.

Feel the water on your skin.

Feel the bubbles.

Notice the temperature.

This isn't a chore, this is a ritual.

Step 6: The Gratitude Massage

After your shower, moisturize your entire body.

But don't rush.

Take this slowly.

As you massage the lotion into your skin, move deliberately over each area of your body.

Thank your feet for carrying you through hard days.

Thank your legs for their strength.

Thank your stomach for digesting your food, for holding your emotions.

Thank your hands for creating, for touching, for holding. Thank your arms for their capability.

Thank your chest for housing your heart. T

hank your neck for supporting you.

Thank your face for expressing your joy, your pain, your truth.

Acknowledge the beauty in each part. Shower yourself in the love you've been seeking elsewhere.

Step 7: Adorn Yourself

Take your time putting on makeup, or don't wear any at all, whatever makes YOU feel beautiful.

Spray your favourite perfume, the one you save for extra-special occasions.

This is that occasion.

Step 8: The Lingerie Ritual

Slowly- and sis, I mean slowly- put on your favourite lingerie.

Not the everyday stuff.

The lace.

The silk.

The set you bought and haven't worn yet because you're "saving it."

Feel the fabric against your skin.

Notice how it makes you feel.

Powerful? Sensual? Feminine?

All of the above?

You're not dressing for anyone else. You're dressing for you.

Step 9: The Outfit You've Been Hiding

Get out that dress you didn't know where to wear.

Those boots hiding in the back of your closet dying to be loved.

That outfit you bought on a whim and then chickened out of wearing.

Put it on.

All of it.

And then go to the mirror.

Look yourself directly in the eyes.

Tell the person in the mirror how sexy they are.

How proud of them you are.

Look yourself in the eyes and say, out loud: "I love you. I love all of you."

Say it until you mean it.

Say it until you cry.

Say it until you smile.

Step 10: The Feast

Sit down to your meal.

Light the candles.

Pour the wine.

Plate your food beautifully, this isn't eating over the sink.

Treat yourself to the most delicious and decadent meal.

Savour every bite. Eat slowly. Taste the flavours. Sip your wine.

Put your phone away.

Be present with yourself.

This is what it feels like to be cherished.

Step 11: Do What YOU Want

After dinner, play your favourite music.

Lie down on your bed and stretch like a cat in the sun.

Dance in your living room.

Read the book you've been putting off.

Watch the movie you've wanted to see.

Go out dancing if that's your thing.

Do exactly what YOU want to do.

Not what you think you should do.

Not what would make someone else happy.

What lights you up.

Step 12: The Reflection

I like to journal after this experience. Ask yourself:

• How did I feel about this evening?

• Did I rush anything? If so, why?

• What did I absolutely love?

• What felt uncomfortable? Why might that be?

• How could I make this more my own next time?

There will be a next time. This isn't a one-and-done practice.

This is a template for how you want to be treated every. single. day.

Why This Practice Works

Here's what I discovered that first night, and every time I've done this practice since:

This isn't just self-care. This is modeling the love you want to receive.

For six years, I had accepted breadcrumbs because I didn't know what a full meal looked like.

I had accepted inconsistency because I didn't know what devotion felt like.

I had accepted the bare minimum because I had never shown myself what I truly deserved.

That night, I gave myself true care, dedication, love, and sensuality.

I modeled for myself exactly how I wanted to be treated.

And here's the magic: once you know what that feels like, once you've given it to yourself- you can't unknow it. You can't accept less. You won't accept less.

When I eventually met someone new, they could see how I treated myself.

They could see that I showed up for myself fully, that I invested in myself, that I loved myself deeply.

And their behaviour naturally fell in line.

And when it didn't? When someone showed me they couldn't meet me at that level?

See ya.

Because I already knew what I deserved.

I had literally served it to myself on my Grandma’s fine china.

Where I Am Now

Six years later, I can tell you this with absolute certainty: my partner loves me the way I first learned to love myself that night.

Actually, he often loves me even more than I love myself on my hard days—and that's because I set the standard from day one.

He knows what I deserve because I showed him what I give to myself.

I no longer get that rock in my throat.

I speak my truth even when my voice shakes.

I have courageous conversations.

I ask for what I want.

I take up space.

And it all started with one evening, one practice, one decision to stop waiting for someone else to show me my worth.

Your Turn

I'm sharing this because I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt small.

Who's ever lost their voice.

Who's ever accepted less than they deserve because they didn't know what "more" looked like.

If any part of this story resonated with you, I have a challenge:

Pick a day in February (or next month).

Put it in your calendar.

Do this practice.

It might feel awkward at first.

You might feel silly talking to yourself in the mirror.

You might cry (I did - a lot). You might feel resistance come up (that's normal; you're reprogramming years of conditioning).

Do it anyway.

Show yourself what you deserve. Model the love you want. Set the standard.

Because once you know what you're worth, really know it, in your bones, you'll never settle for less again.

Join Us This February

If this practice speaks to you, I'd love to invite you to go deeper.

This February, we’re partnering with Becca Gauvin, ICF certified life coach and founder of Dawns & Tides, for Heart Flow, an evening dedicated to self-love and appreciation.

We'll guide you through:

• Heart-opening yoga to reconnect with your body

• Guided meditation to quiet the noise

• Reflective journaling to discover what self-love means for YOU

• Mini coaching session to uncover your worthiness and strengths

• Optional group sharing (only what feels comfortable)

You'll leave with practical tools for self-compassion, deeper understanding of your inherent worth, and connection with others on the same journey.

[Learn more and reserve your spot here]

Because you deserve to be loved—especially by yourself.

With so much love,

Sarah